Friday, July 09, 2010
I can't seem to let go of my past, and all those things that are lost, altered or damaged. Sometimes i look back at all my broken friendships and wonder if it's me. Is it because i haven't been doing or saying the right things, or i just make people back away. Maybe all along, to everyone else i'm only that person who's with them through their happiness. That i can't be a listener, or i don't prove myself good enough to stand by my friends when they're down.

I hate how i always make myself feel this way, it's like each time my mind cannot stop blaming myself for everything bad that happened in my life. That i should take responsibility. That i shouldn't wish for a listener, since i can't be one myself. That i shouldn't even make new friends. I'm just fated to be alone and be friends with myself.

We used to be a puzzle where we could sit by side by side to become a full picture, but now it seems like i'm the only broken piece that doesn't have a proper place to fit in. I used to believe it's because people change, but they don't. All of us just grew up, seen more things, and became ourselves. Hate to admit it, but i realize i don't have a space in all your lives anymore.

You won't know, but i'm utterly hurt. Just because you don't see it doesn't mean it isn't there, i'm damaged inside of me. To me you were my true friend all along. I don't know how much i used to stand in your heart, but you were important to me. Maybe this is why i keep dwelling on the past, because i didn't want to lose something so precious. But i feel stupid because all along i'm the only one who wanted the friendship back.

There's no point still having hopes when i'm the only one trying. If you're living happier now because i'm no longer your friend, good for you. If you're already pretending that i never existed, even better. I don't want to exist anymore either.

I desperately want a pat on my back and someone telling me that i'm still worth something. But even i'm not willing to say that to myself. Perhaps because i really ain't worth anything to anybody.

Ugh, let me wallow in pain and die. Bye.